Ramblings

So this started as the answer to the following question:
"Which book has had the biggest impact on your life and why?" from happify.com

It turned into something completely different.

I'm a huge reader, primarily of science fiction and fantasy, but I'll read anything. The first book I thought of in answer to the question is The Deed of Paksenarrion by Elizabeth Moon. It's an epic fantasy novel. It's actually an omnibus of the first three Paksenarrion novels, but you have to read all three to get the full impact. It taught me to follow my own heart no matter what others may say and that all trials can be overcome if you are willing to work hard at them. It's a little of a cliche lesson, but the second time I read it (the first time it was just another book to me), I read it at precisely the right time in my life. I was in the right frame of mind, that is to say, really depressed, to see the power of Paksenarrion's belief in fighting for what is not just right to her, but right to everyone, on every character around her. It's not easy to be that kind of character, I imagine, but she somehow has this infallible moral compass of what is true and good in her world and that is what she follows, not the words or deeds of others. It can be so hard to do that here, in this society that encourages greed and vanity and power, to ignore what everyone else does in search of what is right for you at that point in your life. I am never going to be perfect in the eyes of society, but that doesn't make me worthless. There are people out there who see me as being perfect in who I am for who I am, and I am eternally grateful to those people. Yes, I am flawed, and yes, I have made mistakes. I have gloriously failed at being a student once. That doesn't mean that I will always fail. My self-esteem may be practically non-existent, but that doesn't mean that I don't have shreds of self-confidence. I may be a little on the "chubby side" but, for pete's sake, I'm six foot one! I'm never going to be a size 2 or 4. That is just not healthy. And besides, me being that skinny would require me to cut my pelvis in half, so let's not do that. That is a terrible idea. I'm a size 14. I would not object to being a size 12, but I'm not going to fight my body. Losing ten pounds would not be a bad idea, say my doctors, but I'm technically fine where I am. My complexion isn't great and I never wear makeup. My arms are all scarred from acne, oh well. I am a human being. The definition of being human is being flawed. And hey, guess what, my hormones are screwed up too.

I am not perfect, but I'm learning to accept all of me as I am. I'd rather be healthy than perfect.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger...

I was on dearblankpleaseblank.com today and saw the following post:

Dear teens,

           Please know that what doesn't kill you might help make you
           stronger...but it also makes you bitter.

                                                                                Sincerely, experience

You only become bitter if you choose to let negative experiences affect you that way. Just because something is difficult to handle, just because it's painful and uncomfortable, just because it was the hardest thing you've ever had to endure, you don't have to let it make you bitter.

If you blame your negative experiences on the world, on God, on yourself, on your parents or your boyfriend or your best friend or your sister or brother or your significant other, then yes, you will come out on the other side bitter and angry at whomever or whatever you blame it on. But if you accept that you learned a thing or two, that it's no one's fault, that you aren't being punished for doing something wrong, that God doesn't make life easy for anyone, then you'll probably come out the other side with more faith in yourself and in your ability to withstand the hard times.

This is coming from someone who has had a hell of a year, literally. There isn't much else that could have happened this year to make it any worse beyond someone dying or being critically injured. It's been difficult academically, socially, physically, emotionally, and psychologically. As I write this, I'm still struggling with depression and anxiety. Most days I still don't really try to improve things because I just don't have the energy to care. I don't mean to sound self-obsessed, but right now, what's best for me is to be solely concerned with myself--with my health and my relationships and my grades.

Don't hold others accountable for your problems. But don't blame yourself, hold yourself accountable for dealing with your problems, no matter who is to blame. There is no "whose fault is it?" anymore. Especially when dealing with serious psychological problems. Yes, you need to get to the root of the problem and you need to know what caused it, but no one is to blame for your problems.

Yes, I could blame my parents and my siblings for how they treated me when I was little. They weren't always nice and some of the things that they said or did had profoundly negative impacts on my life, but I don't blame them. I have a genetic predisposition for depression. Does that make it my parents' fault? No. Being the youngest of six kids, I wasn't the center of attention, and I often felt ignored because there were so many other people who needed attention. Does that make it my siblings' fault? No. Does that make it my parents' fault? No. I never experienced depression before college. Does that make it my school's fault? Hell no. No one is to blame for my depression. I may not have been the most important person in anyone's life growing up, but I can guarantee that I was important to my family. And that's what kept me going even when I became suicidal. The knowledge that I would be missed, that I was loved and treasured. I still have more problems than I care to name to deal with, but given enough time, they will be dealt with.

Every day may be difficult, but each day I am here makes me stronger. Depression hasn't killed me yet, and I don't intend to let it.

What Does "I Love You" Mean

In my opinion, the statement, "I love you" is a serious set of words to say. You don't use them to play, although you can say the words playfully, as long as you actually mean them. It's a phrase to be whispered in my ear late at night, just as I fall asleep, or in a moment of deep feelings.

To me, it means more than just what it is. It means I admire, trust, believe in you. It means you are beautiful. It means that I want you in my life forever (but not necessarily in the married sense). 

During college orientation at the beginning of my freshman year, my floor started playing this game where you said "I love you." to someone, trying to make them laugh. At first I was okay with it, but after a while, I couldn't participate because I didn't like using the phrase so lightly. It's not because I have been in a serious relationship that fell apart or because my parents didn't love each other. I have never been in either of those situations. I think it's because I grew up in such a stable, loving home. My parents have been happily married for over 30 years, I have never seen or heard them fight. They are equals in the relationship, and they love each other exactly the way they are, mostly. I know there are a couple of quirks one doesn't like about the other, but they're tolerable quirks. Some are even changeable quirks--something that was present in the early years of their marriage, but are no longer present. Things like my dad not liking onions (my mom fixed that early on) or some other equally minor oddity of their preferences or personality. Mostly I know things that my mom used to not like about my dad, and not so much my dad about my mom, because my mom and I talk way more than my dad and I. But that's beside the point.

But because I grew up in a home where my parents were truly in love, I have a very powerful image of what love is in my head. It's a relationship formed on appreciation for the other person, for their strengths and for their weaknesses and for their oddities. It's a relationship based in shared beliefs and shared loves. It's a relationship where both parties are equal, there are no dominant and submissive positions. It's a relationship that takes into account things that the other person likes or does not like, and it does not force a person to change through ultimatums, but through honest conversation and open doors. It is full of respect and of compliments. It's a relationship that is an open book, with no hidden pages. There are no lies, no secrecy. Neither person hides their true feelings from the other person, even when those feelings may hurt the other person. But then there is forgiveness and understanding and a willingness to strive for a better tomorrow (cliche, I know, but get over it. This is my definition). And I don't mean all of this in just the context of a marriage, but also in friendships that have a desire to last a lifetime. Both halves have to have a desire to try to maintain the relationship despite long distances, differences of opinion, and frustration.

Ultimately, "I love you," to me is the same as saying, "I am willing to maintain and develop this relationship despite any and all hardships. I am willing to try with you."

The Session by The Angry Therapist

"Many think a good session means tears, light bulb moments, or life changing revelations. This is not always the case. I get it. Therapy can be expensive. You want the most bang for your buck. But therapy is not like personal training. You may not see results for years. Therapy can’t be defined. It’s one of the most abstract things money can buy. Sometimes, therapy acts as a bridge as we transition from one phase of our life to another. Other times, a sounding board. A place of healing. For some, it’s church. For others, a big money waste. What we get out of the session can not be predicted. And I think that’s why many don’t seek it. There is no guarantee. That and the fact that they don’t wanna face their shit. But that’s another post. Here are some tips on having the right mindset so you get the most out of the session. For both therapists as well as clients. 

Therapists, don’t judge your sessions. That’s not your job. If you do, the pressure you put on yourself to be “good” will turn into a performance, which means you will make it more about you than your clients. We learn so many theories and interventions in “therapy school” that once we’re in front of a real person with real issues, we forget we’re human. We come in as a giant DSM-IV with a six figure debt that says we must fix people. Fast. But the truth is nothing’s going to happen until you first have a human connection with your client. If you judge your sessions, you will prevent this from happening. The pressure to be a good therapist will make you, well, a not so good one. I believe the best therapists hold space without judgement or a lab coat. They come as humans. They do life with their clients. Not at them. Okay, now I’m bird walking.

Clients, don’t leave analyzing what you got or didn’t from each session. Therapy is cumulative. You have to tell yourself you’re putting X amount of dollars toward your mental health every month. You’re investing in you. This means healthier relationships. Then attend your sessions like it’s Karate class. You’re there to earn belts but know that it’s going to take time. It’s a process.

Therapists, let the client steer the session. This means don’t come into each session with a detailed plan. I believe many therapist do this because they are afraid to just be. They hide behind structure. Hey therapists, you are the value. Who you are, not what you know. The most powerful sessions happen in the here and now. So come in naked. Not literally. It’s important to have goals for your clients but not an itinerary for each session. That limits the room to swim and therapy can quickly turn into a seminar or lecture. Let what happens in the moment guide where the session goes.

Clients, if you a problem with your therapist, address it. In the room. We are trained to not be defensive. You are paying us to hold a safe space. You don’t need to take care of us. If you hurt our feelings, we’ll process that with our own therapist. It’s your session. Use it.

Therapists, remember why you got into this in the first place. It’s so easy to forget, especially if you have a busy practice and see clients back to back one right after another. Don’t allow sessions to become numbers you need to hit in order to pay bills or live a certain lifestyle. When your clients turn into numbers is when you are in trouble. Remind yourself that each session is a gift, an opportunity to help others but also grow yourself.

Clients / therapists, therapy doesn’t have to be painful and boring. Therapy can be fun. Do things out of the box. Play games. Be creative. Do your session on a walk. Switch things up. No one says you have to be in a nondescript room with a chair and a couch in order for growth to happen."

- Angry

Judging Others

"Its sucks that people can be so prejudicial, judging you that you haven't finished high school yet. They don't know your story. Slightly ironically, I hate being judged and yet I tend to judge people a lot. Not you. I've known you too long. But people when I first meet them. I immediately start making judgments based on their clothes, what they say, what they talk about, their body language. It's really quite terrible of me, and I'm trying to stop. But it's hard when you constantly feel like everyone else is judging you. And then you feel miserable because you think no one likes you except the people you've known forever (like your family), but then you start to think they are also judging you. It's a vicious and miserable cycle."

In a conversation with a friend (via email), I began with this rant. She'd been dealing with judgment from others about not yet having her high school diploma (she is working on her GED), and I got a little passionate about it. But I agree with every word that came from my fingers. I am extremely judgmental. It's one of my worst faults. And it makes you feel horrible, both when being judged and when judging others, and yet we do it anyway. I understand that as humans we are inherently flawed. We are constantly screwing things up. Some of us are always trying to do and be better, but we fail so often that we also often give up on trying to get better. 

I read this dystopian teenage novel yesterday called Scored by Lauren McLaughlin. In it, almost every teenager is constantly being scored on what they do and say by an impartial, incredibly intelligent computer program. They do this by having these cameras, kind of like security cameras, all over the place. If you are a "highbie" with a score above 90, then you're given a full ride scholarship to any state school of your choice in your state. If you're a "lowbie," good luck getting a job as a laborer in a sewage plant. If you're somewhere in the middle, between about 60 and 89, you have some variety of career options, but none of them involve going to college unless you're one of the 1% who still have a lot of money or unless you win a scholarship that will cover all college costs. The story focuses around Imani, a "highbie" whose score suddenly drops because of her association with her best friend who throws away everything for an unscored boy. If you're unscored, you have even fewer options than the "lowbies." Overnight she goes from being a 94 to a 67. With only one month left in her senior year of high school, there is no way she can bring her score back up to even a 90. All of a sudden, this argumentative essay her history teacher assigned about the score becomes her only chance of going to college to study her passion, marine biology. Anyway, in one part of the book, she and another student get into this debate about the score, he fighting for it and she against it. They both come to the conclusion that it is a form of the caste system. Yes it is kind of a meritocracy, but it also focuses on the individual rather than on the caste as a whole. Because the "castes" are constantly changing with the changes in peoples scores, you focus on you as an individual and not on the flawed nature of the system. A nearly unbreakable system. My point to all of this is that the book was entirely about the judgment that these teenagers faced from someone even more powerful than their peers. Their peers didn't have any say over their future, but this impartial system? It had complete control over their future. It determined their future. 

Judgment in our world does not work like that. It does not have to define our actions or our future. It only defines as much of us as we let it. If what other people think of us is the only thing that matters to us, then it will control everything we do--from the people we socialize with to the classes we take to the future we invest in, or don't invest in. But if you only acknowledge what people say and objectively decide if their opinions should impact your life, their judgment does not have to define you. If someone tells you that your outfit looks terrible, but you happen to like it, you don't have to take their opinion into account when you choose what to wear the next day. 

My sister does that on a daily basis. It's pretty easy to choose clothes for her--if your first thought is "That looks awful!" then she'll probably love it. She loves to mix geometric patterns with this one floral scarf--they usually don't match. But to her it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks. If she likes it, then according to her it matches. They share a common thread (pun not intended).

It's entirely up to you what you let influence you.

Relationships...and Fear vs. Awe

I've never been good at time management, as evidenced by the fact that I am blogging at 1 in the morning. But it happens. I'm finally putting effort into developing some sort of relationship with my cousin, despite our lack of common interests. She's into dance, social justice, human rights, etc. I'm into science and the brain and how people think...I think. I'm not actually sure at this point what I want to do.

You know, relationships can be hard! But the hardest relationship is the one with someone who you're not entirely sure is there. Supposedly he's everywhere, but sometimes it feels like he's nowhere. Like he's left, gone on a business trip or something. Weird metaphor, I know, but that's not important. What is important is trying to figure out where I stand relative to the omniscient, omnipresent God that I'm trying to make an important part of my life. I don't even know! I've been told I'm his bride, his daughter, etc. But somehow it's really hard for me to believe that.

My mom, when I finally told her about this ongoing struggle of mine and how I didn't know how to interact with a God that I feel I've always been told to fear, told me that it's really hard to explain the difference between awe and fear to a small child. The words just aren't in their vocabulary. But even now, at eighteen, I still haven't figured out the difference. Sure, there are dictionary definitions, but how do those help?

fear:
1. a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.
2. a specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling
3. concern or anxiety; solicitude
4. reverential awe, especially toward God
5. something that causes feelings of dread or apprehension; something a person is afraid of

awe:
1. an overwhelming feeling of reverence, admiration, fear, etc., produced by that which is grand, sublime, extremely powerful, or the like
2. Archaic. power to inspire fear or reverence
3. Obsolete. fear or dread
4. to inspire with awe
5. to influence or restrain by awe

You see! They're too connected to explain. But to me, awe is more like being inspired by someone/something; to look up to them, to use them as a role model. Fear is more to be afraid of them. I have a fear of falling, but I'm in awe of people who aren't afraid to stand up for what they believe (think MLK, Susan B. Anthony, Abraham Lincoln, etc.) Ignore the fact that they were all standing up for political beliefs, not religious ones, but still! No matter what you believe, if you are strong enough to stand up to ALL of the naysayers, even when there are more naysayers than believers, then I applaud you and, to some degree, I am in awe of your guts.

But really, how do you explain that to a five year old? They're still in awe of the world. Everything is new and inspiring to them. They don't understand yet. Try again in 15 years. Either they'll have figured it out by then, or they'll be able to understand better any metaphors or examples you might give.

Therapy

You know what's really easy? Avoiding. Avoiding problems, people, homework, challenges, God, the Bible, actually understanding things. You know what's easy? Pretending. Pretending that you know what you're talking about, that you understand, that you have time to do your homework, that you'll eventually get around to that one thing on your to-do list that's been there for two weeks.

I do both, to an extreme excess. I avoid just about anything that even bears a resemblance to being hard and I'm constantly pretending that I'm not avoiding anything. Initially, the purpose of this blog was to force me to stop avoiding by telling someone that it was on my list and that I had done it. But the thing is, although I was honest in that everything I wrote was something I actually did, half the things that are on my list have been there since the first week of school because they were hard or uncomfortable, so I kept putting them off, saying that I would do them later. My therapist told me that I need to stop avoiding these things. It doesn't make them any easier, and oftentimes, only makes them harder. I have more time to think about how scary and uncomfortable these things were. How they made me embarrassed or ashamed of having to ask for them.

You see, I hate asking for help. For some reason, my subconscious is fully convinced that to ask for help is to be weak, that I should be completely self-sufficient. After all, I was raised to be independent, to figure it out on my own. But with that level of independence comes a certain amount of inability to be dependent on anyone for anything. That's not to say that I'm completely independent--I still rely on my parents for money for clothes and books and food--but I'm otherwise capable of running a house. I know how to clean and cook and do laundry and make a bed and clean the toilet (although that is more theoretical knowledge than practical) and all of those things. I know people who have never folded a bottom sheet before. It's not a difficult task. It's a little bit of a puzzle, but once you know how, it's really not that hard. And yet they've never done it before and when presented with that simple task, they have to ask for help. Practical knowledge. Even I can ask for help for practical things.

It's the theoretical knowledge that gets me. Learning. Asking for help when I don't understand something. Especially when it's something that really interests me. Something that I have to understand in order to do what I want to do. So why is it so hard to ask for such help? Predominately, the thought that someone will judge me to be stupid. Not, "That's such a stupid thing to do," kind of stupid, when someone does something like, I don't know, a backflip on a treadmill. But, "I can't believe you don't know that!" kind of stupid, where someone thinks that you're retarded or incapable of learning something immediately after reading or hearing it.

I'm asking for support, for the courage to tell someone, "I honestly don't know. I do not understand this topic. What is...? How does...? I don't know what to do next. Can you help me?" Because right now, I can't. And it is screwing up a lot of things for me. I'm not learning what I need to learn because I'm so afraid that I will be judged.

And that's the most ironic thing of all. I hate being judged, I'm constantly afraid that I'm being judged. But I'm constantly judging other people. Forming opinions based on how they look and what they say. By the superficial details of their life that a casual observer can see. I categorize people before I ever get to know them. I choose the people I've judged can't hurt me in any way to be my friends. The ones that don't challenge me. That let me have control and be the leader that I don't know how to be. I seek control because I've never had it. It's not something that youngest children get.

My family had so much experience with young children that all the ploys that young children use to get attention didn't work on them unless something really was wrong. Sure, not breathing as a baby caught their attention. But that was a one time thing, subconsciously done for no obvious reason whatsoever. So I became ridiculously picky about what I would eat. Which still didn't get me any more control than I'd previously had. Thinking about it, to what point did being so picky help me at all? It's just a common technique that children use to control their environment when they can't control anything else. Maybe I should major in child development.

I like having control. I like leading, but I don't like being a leader. It comes back to being judged--I hate being in the spotlight. But I'm quite judgmental. I'm just full of contradictions. I'm only human. I'm full of imperfections. And I keep trying to do better, but I never seem to get anywhere. Why do I never get anywhere?! It's frustrating and exhausting and emotional and I hate it. I really do. Sometimes I feel like I just want to stop. Stop and give up. Stop trying to be better, to do better, to be less judgmental and less controlling.

I keep trying to give all this up to God, and I always fall short. Isn't he supposed to take what you give to him? But I almost always feel like he's too busy for me, like I can't possibly be more important than the other 6 billion people on this planet that he's trying to save. In fact, I know I'm not. I am most definitely not more important than everyone else, and yet I can't help but be incredibly selfish and want him all to myself. Supposedly, you can have a personal God. One that you know. But I feel incredibly distant from this God that I think I believe in. I think he's watching out for me, but it doesn't always feel like it. Sometimes it feels like I'm all alone, especially when things like last semester happen or my grandmother dying or my other grandmother or my sister being in a car accident. I'm searching for something that I don't know is there. Please help me. I just want to give up. I want all of these struggles to just go away.

You know something, I seem to always feel like I'm inferior to every other student here. They're all so involved and certain. And here I am, with this, "What the hell am I doing here?" always running through the back of my mind. I'm just going through the motions and pretending to be as happy as everyone else here. I want to be more involved. But where do I go? Where do I start? There are so many things I want to do in this moment that I can't possibly choose just one or two.