What Does "I Love You" Mean

In my opinion, the statement, "I love you" is a serious set of words to say. You don't use them to play, although you can say the words playfully, as long as you actually mean them. It's a phrase to be whispered in my ear late at night, just as I fall asleep, or in a moment of deep feelings.

To me, it means more than just what it is. It means I admire, trust, believe in you. It means you are beautiful. It means that I want you in my life forever (but not necessarily in the married sense). 

During college orientation at the beginning of my freshman year, my floor started playing this game where you said "I love you." to someone, trying to make them laugh. At first I was okay with it, but after a while, I couldn't participate because I didn't like using the phrase so lightly. It's not because I have been in a serious relationship that fell apart or because my parents didn't love each other. I have never been in either of those situations. I think it's because I grew up in such a stable, loving home. My parents have been happily married for over 30 years, I have never seen or heard them fight. They are equals in the relationship, and they love each other exactly the way they are, mostly. I know there are a couple of quirks one doesn't like about the other, but they're tolerable quirks. Some are even changeable quirks--something that was present in the early years of their marriage, but are no longer present. Things like my dad not liking onions (my mom fixed that early on) or some other equally minor oddity of their preferences or personality. Mostly I know things that my mom used to not like about my dad, and not so much my dad about my mom, because my mom and I talk way more than my dad and I. But that's beside the point.

But because I grew up in a home where my parents were truly in love, I have a very powerful image of what love is in my head. It's a relationship formed on appreciation for the other person, for their strengths and for their weaknesses and for their oddities. It's a relationship based in shared beliefs and shared loves. It's a relationship where both parties are equal, there are no dominant and submissive positions. It's a relationship that takes into account things that the other person likes or does not like, and it does not force a person to change through ultimatums, but through honest conversation and open doors. It is full of respect and of compliments. It's a relationship that is an open book, with no hidden pages. There are no lies, no secrecy. Neither person hides their true feelings from the other person, even when those feelings may hurt the other person. But then there is forgiveness and understanding and a willingness to strive for a better tomorrow (cliche, I know, but get over it. This is my definition). And I don't mean all of this in just the context of a marriage, but also in friendships that have a desire to last a lifetime. Both halves have to have a desire to try to maintain the relationship despite long distances, differences of opinion, and frustration.

Ultimately, "I love you," to me is the same as saying, "I am willing to maintain and develop this relationship despite any and all hardships. I am willing to try with you."

The Session by The Angry Therapist

"Many think a good session means tears, light bulb moments, or life changing revelations. This is not always the case. I get it. Therapy can be expensive. You want the most bang for your buck. But therapy is not like personal training. You may not see results for years. Therapy can’t be defined. It’s one of the most abstract things money can buy. Sometimes, therapy acts as a bridge as we transition from one phase of our life to another. Other times, a sounding board. A place of healing. For some, it’s church. For others, a big money waste. What we get out of the session can not be predicted. And I think that’s why many don’t seek it. There is no guarantee. That and the fact that they don’t wanna face their shit. But that’s another post. Here are some tips on having the right mindset so you get the most out of the session. For both therapists as well as clients. 

Therapists, don’t judge your sessions. That’s not your job. If you do, the pressure you put on yourself to be “good” will turn into a performance, which means you will make it more about you than your clients. We learn so many theories and interventions in “therapy school” that once we’re in front of a real person with real issues, we forget we’re human. We come in as a giant DSM-IV with a six figure debt that says we must fix people. Fast. But the truth is nothing’s going to happen until you first have a human connection with your client. If you judge your sessions, you will prevent this from happening. The pressure to be a good therapist will make you, well, a not so good one. I believe the best therapists hold space without judgement or a lab coat. They come as humans. They do life with their clients. Not at them. Okay, now I’m bird walking.

Clients, don’t leave analyzing what you got or didn’t from each session. Therapy is cumulative. You have to tell yourself you’re putting X amount of dollars toward your mental health every month. You’re investing in you. This means healthier relationships. Then attend your sessions like it’s Karate class. You’re there to earn belts but know that it’s going to take time. It’s a process.

Therapists, let the client steer the session. This means don’t come into each session with a detailed plan. I believe many therapist do this because they are afraid to just be. They hide behind structure. Hey therapists, you are the value. Who you are, not what you know. The most powerful sessions happen in the here and now. So come in naked. Not literally. It’s important to have goals for your clients but not an itinerary for each session. That limits the room to swim and therapy can quickly turn into a seminar or lecture. Let what happens in the moment guide where the session goes.

Clients, if you a problem with your therapist, address it. In the room. We are trained to not be defensive. You are paying us to hold a safe space. You don’t need to take care of us. If you hurt our feelings, we’ll process that with our own therapist. It’s your session. Use it.

Therapists, remember why you got into this in the first place. It’s so easy to forget, especially if you have a busy practice and see clients back to back one right after another. Don’t allow sessions to become numbers you need to hit in order to pay bills or live a certain lifestyle. When your clients turn into numbers is when you are in trouble. Remind yourself that each session is a gift, an opportunity to help others but also grow yourself.

Clients / therapists, therapy doesn’t have to be painful and boring. Therapy can be fun. Do things out of the box. Play games. Be creative. Do your session on a walk. Switch things up. No one says you have to be in a nondescript room with a chair and a couch in order for growth to happen."

- Angry