Lessons Learned

This post was written on April 30, 2014.

During my senior year of high school, one of my friends, Megan, sent a text that was along the lines of, "Cynthia insisted on spending tutorial with me. She's so annoying." That text was SUPPOSED to go to my best friend, Katherine. You probably see where this is going. She accidentally sent it to me, while I was in the room, minding my own business and reading. 

It was a one time thing. I had never asked to spend time with her in tutorial before, and I never asked again (although not because of the text, I just didn't need to). It was a special case of me having to be at school during tutorial, but because I didn't have a first or third period (the periods before and after tutorial), I also didn't have a tutorial classroom. But I had attend a mandatory senior assembly about graduation or something. And yes, I did feel betrayed and I was quite upset. But I have a tendency to repress negative emotions, I like to say that I put them in unlabeled cans in a pantry. So instead of railing at her and refusing to speak to her, I responded with a, "Let's just forget it and move on." I'd like to believe that I followed that statement, but almost two years later and I know that I didn't. 

I had trust issues regarding friends before that incident, and I still have them, worse than before. Megan cut off contact with me after graduation. She told me that since we were going in different directions, she didn't see the point anymore. That got me mad, really mad. I unfriended her on Facebook, deleted all her contact info, etc. I don't regret it, but I also don't think it was the best response to the situation. What's done is done and, if I look at our three-year relationship objectively, we were never very good friends to begin with. Frankly, I don't remember how we became friends in the first place. But the experience taught me a lot about myself over a very short period of time. 

I learned that I was often somewhat irritating, bossy, and always judgmental. I held grudges for a ridiculously long time. I wasn't as good of a listener as I believed myself to be. And my habit, which remains, of always bringing up my sisters in every conversation had long since passed irritating. I still am some of these things. It takes a long time to un-ingrain seventeen years of habit. And I don't think I'll ever really stop relating other's experiences to those of my sisters and me. They are my models, not role models, just models of different lifestyles and beliefs and ways of approaching the world. And they are all way more outgoing than I am. For a long time after the revelations of the month in which the above events occurred, I constantly wondered why my friends had never brought those irritations up before. I didn't think that they'd be that hard to talk about. I failed to take into account that we were seventeen at the time. But now knowing that I am that way, I strive not to be. I am always trying to listen better, to really hear what people are saying. Auditory skills are not my best. I still tend towards being judgmental, but I'm working on it. I'm constantly listening for and trying to negate the little whispers of, "She's probably...." or "He's definitely a..." because those thoughts are harmful to both the potential for a relationship and to myself. 

Forgiveness is a different topic entirely. The grudges I was referring to earlier were ones that I had held onto for many years, some since second grade. Because I never moved after starting school, I went to school with many of the same kids year after year after year. I know of at least a couple that I went to school with from kindergarten through senior year of high school. They were the ones I didn't like, the ones against whom I held the most grudges, the ones whom I judged based on actions committed in third grade or something. There's the judgmental part. I'm not saying that I would have been friends with them if I hadn't held those grudges, but I am saying that I denied myself the opportunity to get to know them because of a childish first impression. For those people, it wasn't forgiving, just forgetting. 

But getting back to Megan--that is an event that I will constantly have to try to forgive her for. My sister Katt explained this to me when I visited her a couple weeks ago. Forgiveness is a constant battle, especially for the big things. It requires you to honestly forgive the person every single day. And some days you may not be able to forgive them. You had a crappy day or whatever and you just can't muster up the energy to forgive them, and that's okay. But you still try. Over and over and over. Until one day it doesn't matter anymore. Whether that day is next week or ten years from now is a mystery. Or it may be a lifetime battle. I suspect this is one of those, but I won't know until it no longer matters. At this point, it isn't so much the event itself that matters, just the effect it had on our relationship. 

The takeaway? I'm not perfect. I can be quite blind to my faults, as many people are. And lastly, forgiving someone is hard word. You are constantly fighting against yourself to not be offended or upset by someone's actions or words. But you just have to keep trying.